Recently, I came across the series You, and as I was watching it, many thoughts began to surface — thoughts I feel compelled to share.
We often hear about people getting caught in toxic relationships — ones they know are unhealthy, yet they can’t seem to walk away. They crave more and more, even as it hurts. In You, the story revolves around a man who lures women into such relationships, subtly brainwashing them. But the reverse is also true: men can find themselves trapped in toxic dynamics, manipulated and emotionally destabilized by their partners.
When someone is inside such a relationship, their emotions become so entangled that they lose clarity. The manipulative tactics used by the partner are usually not overt — they’re subtle, subconscious, and hard to name or confront. Often, the victim only has a vague feeling that “something isn’t right”, but the powerful mix of adrenaline, cortisol, and emotional highs — combined with unhealed trauma from early relationships with mom or dad — leaves them disoriented and without a clear explanation.
The purpose of this article is simple but vital:
If someone is in such a relationship — or finds themselves consistently drawn to toxic partners, rationalizing their behavior, staying when they know they shouldn’t — I want them to read this and gain clarity. To understand why this is happening to them. To recognize the hidden patterns and subconscious programming that feed these attractions.
Ultimately, my hope is that this can help someone begin to see more clearly, to wake up, and to explore the shadow parts within themselves that may be quietly driving these dynamics.
At the end of the article, I’ll also share one energetic/spiritual insight I’ve seen repeatedly in clients dealing with these exact patterns.
Introduction
The Netflix series You starring Joe Goldberg (played by Penn Badgley) has sparked intense discussions across the internet, not only for its gripping plot but for the psychological and emotional reactions it triggers in viewers. Why are so many people, especially women, drawn to Joe despite knowing he’s a manipulative stalker and a murderer?
This article explores the psychological layers behind this attraction, the childhood roots that may fuel it, and how trauma, unmet emotional needs, and distorted perceptions of love can override moral judgment. While centered on the fictional character Joe Goldberg, the analysis offers real-life insights relevant to both men and women who find themselves repeating patterns of attraction to toxic or dangerous partners.
Part 1: Who is Joe Goldberg? A Psychological Profile
1. The Charismatic Antihero
Joe Goldberg is not a cartoon villain. He’s intelligent, well-read, soft-spoken, and can appear genuinely caring. But behind that charm lies a dangerous personality capable of stalking, manipulating, and killing—all in the name of “love.”
2. Psychological Traits
- Covert Narcissism: Joe sees himself as morally superior. He believes he knows what’s best for others and feels entitled to decide their fate.
- Obsessive-Compulsive Traits: He compulsively follows, surveils, and collects information about his partners.
- Low Empathy: While he appears empathetic, his concern for others is usually self-serving.
- Attachment Trauma: Joe’s backstory reveals childhood abuse and neglect, leading to a disorganized attachment style.
- Functional Psychopathy: Joe shows many traits of a high-functioning psychopath—charming, manipulative, emotionally cold, and lacking remorse.
Part 2: Why Are Viewers (Especially Women) Attracted to Him?
1. The Power of Perspective
The show is told largely from Joe’s point of view, allowing viewers to hear his inner monologue. This creates a sense of intimacy and can manipulate the audience into empathizing with him.
2. Trauma Bonding in Viewers
People with a history of emotional neglect or abuse may unconsciously feel drawn to Joe. His behaviors mimic what they’ve experienced in early relationships, making his love feel familiar—even if toxic.
3. The Fantasy of Being Chosen
Joe doesn’t just fall in love—he obsesses. To someone with unmet emotional needs, this can feel like ultimate devotion. Being the center of someone’s world, even in a dangerous way, fulfills a deep craving for worthiness.
4. The Appeal of Control and Protection
Joe positions himself as a protector, eliminating people he perceives as threats. For someone who feels unsafe in the world, this can be interpreted as strength, not pathology.
Part 3: The Deeper Psychological Drivers — Hybristophilia, Savior Complex, and Manipulation
1. Hybristophilia – Attraction to “Bad Boys” and Criminals
Hybristophilia is a psychological phenomenon where individuals feel sexual or romantic attraction toward those who commit violent or criminal acts. It’s most often observed in women and presents in two forms:
- Passive Hybristophilia – Attraction to dangerous men (like Joe) without wanting to participate in the violence.
- Active Hybristophilia – A desire to participate in or encourage their partner’s criminal acts (rarer).
Why Does Hybristophilia Develop?
- Traumatic Childhoods – Women raised by abusive or emotionally unavailable fathers may unconsciously associate love with pain, control, or dominance.
- Control Fantasy – The belief that they can “tame the beast” or be the one person who reaches the man’s heart.
- Adrenaline Effect – The excitement of danger can trigger hormones (cortisol, dopamine, adrenaline), which the brain can misinterpret as passion or love.
- Cultural Influence – The romanticization of dangerous men in media (e.g., The Beast in Beauty and the Beast, Joker, Hannibal Lecter) reinforces this narrative.
2. Savior Complex – The Illusion of Healing a “Broken Man”
This is a common psychological pattern where someone falls in love with a partner’s potential—not their reality. Women with this complex often:
- Feel the need to be needed.
- View emotional caretaking as love.
- Believe they can fix or redeem the other person.
In You:
- Joe’s backstory of abuse and longing for love evokes empathy.
- Some women project the fantasy of being “the one” who heals him.
- This pattern can lead to emotional dependency and acceptance of abuse in the name of hope.
3. Manipulation and Psychological Abuse – How Joe Gains Control
Joe uses subtle but powerful manipulation tactics, mirroring real-world abuse cycles. This psychological grooming includes:
The Abuse Cycle:
-
Love Bombing
- Overwhelms with attention, praise, and gestures.
- Makes the woman feel uniquely seen and deeply valued.
-
Isolation
- Slowly cuts her off from friends, family, or outside support.
- Creates emotional dependency.
-
Control and Surveillance
- Tracks her movements, checks her phone, appears uninvited.
- Justifies this as “protection” or “worry.”
-
Trauma Bonding
- The push-pull dynamic creates intense emotional highs and lows.
- Victims mistake this for passion and confuse fear with intimacy.
Red Flags in Joe’s Behavior (Often Overlooked):
- Rapid emotional intimacy
- Invasive surveillance masked as care
- Intense jealousy and possessiveness
- Hot-and-cold behavior
- Idealization followed by devaluation
These tactics mirror those used by real-life abusers.
Part 4: Childhood Roots of Attraction to Dangerous Partners
1. Parental Modeling
Children internalize what they observe. If a girl’s father was emotionally absent, abusive, or unpredictable, she may associate love with pain, drama, or danger.
2. Attachment Styles
- Secure Attachment: Love is safe, consistent, and reciprocal.
- Anxious/Disorganized Attachment: Love feels chaotic, high-stakes, and unpredictable—just like Joe’s style.
3. Emotional Scripts
Early experiences write emotional “scripts” in our brains:
“Love is something I have to earn.”
“I need to be needed to be loved.”
“If it’s not intense, it’s not real.”
Joe activates all of these beliefs.
Part 5: The Moral Collapse — Why Women (and Men) May Abandon Their Values
1. Emotional Override
When a person’s core emotional needs are unmet—like the need for validation, safety, or identity—the brain may prioritize those needs over logic and moral values. This is a cognitive dissonance state:
“I know this is wrong, but it feels so right.”
2. Trauma-Based Chemistry
The mix of adrenaline, fear, intimacy, and unpredictability can create a biochemical addiction. People become attached not to the person but to the emotional rollercoaster they provide.
3. Rationalization Mechanisms
To maintain psychological coherence, people justify the behavior:
- “He only hurts bad people.”
- “He had a rough childhood.”
- “He’s not like this with me.”
These are classic rationalizations seen in real abusive relationships.
Part 6: How Joe Makes Women (and Viewers) Feel
| Feeling | How Joe Triggers It |
|---|---|
| Loved | Intense attention, devotion, obsession |
| Protected | Removes threats (in his mind) |
| Special | Makes them feel like the only one |
| Excited | High-stakes emotional dynamics |
| Needed | Creates dependency through manipulation |
| Unstable | Alternates between charm and danger |
This mixture is highly addictive to people with unresolved emotional wounds.
Part 7: Healthy vs. Toxic Relationships — A Comparison
| Aspect | Healthy Relationship | Joe Goldberg’s Style (Toxic) |
|---|---|---|
| Care | Supportive, consistent | Possessive, obsessive |
| Trust | Built over time | Surveillance, secrecy |
| Boundaries | Respected | Crossed constantly |
| Conflict | Managed through communication | Managed through control, or even violence |
| Autonomy | Encouraged | Discouraged |
| Jealousy | Minimal and managed | Extreme and dangerous |
| Moral Integrity | Shared and respected values | Overridden by emotion and control |
| Growth | Both partners evolve individually and together | One partner loses identity to “fit” the other |
Part 8: What Can We Learn? For Men and Women
- Women aren’t weak or naïve for feeling drawn to someone like Joe. Often, they are responding to unmet emotional needs rooted in childhood.
- Men aren’t evil for having control issues—but they must confront the emotional wounds driving them.
- Both sexes must learn to differentiate between chemistry and compatibility, between drama and connection.
Part 9: Moving Forward — Healing and Awareness
For Women (and Men) Attracted to “Joes”:
- Ask: “What part of me is attracted to pain or chaos?”
- Reflect on early attachment experiences.
- Seek therapy for trauma or codependency.
- Rebuild a strong sense of identity and boundaries.
- Learn what healthy love actually looks and feels like.
For Everyone:
- We must challenge the cultural romanticization of obsession and control.
- Love should feel safe, stable, and freeing—not like survival.
“Real love doesn’t require you to abandon yourself to feel seen. It sees you as you are and still stays.”
Conclusion
The character of Joe Goldberg serves as a mirror—not just to the women he obsesses over, but to all of us. He forces us to ask:
- What am I really looking for in love?
- Am I craving emotional safety—or emotional intensity?
- Have I confused being desired with being respected?
Understanding the attraction to toxic partners like Joe is not about judgment. It’s about compassionate self-inquiry and emotional growth. Whether you’re a man or woman, viewer or survivor, the key is the same:
Learn your emotional patterns. Heal your wounds. Choose love that feels like peace, not adrenaline.
Author’s Note: This article is based on psychological theory, trauma research, and relationship dynamics inspired by the Netflix series You. It is intended for educational and self-awareness purposes for both men and women. If you find yourself in such a relationship, seek help from a licensed therapist or the appropriate support services immediately.
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