I’m the middle child of my family and it hurts how my parents ignored me before and bought me the least, favored me the least. Also my family doesn’t fit normal societal standard, me my siblings have faced many things children in a family shouldn’t see. We are my father’s 2nd wife children who has 25 years of age gap, huge gap it is. Also if you see she married him when she was goddamn teen and he was grown ass middle aged man, he hadn’t divorced his 1st wife too. Very problematic family this was. Even though he was a good father he wasn’t a good husband. He was very violent to mother which impacted children’s psychology too. He wasn’t loyal either. There was a point where he got bipolar disorder and we all got PTSD with how violent he was until he was admitted to hospital. To add spice in my life he was also senior teacher in same school we studied, he created big mess in his bipolar disorder days almost about to loose his job, it drew whole attention of school. I hated pitiful gazes and the shame built in me.
It literally shut down my third eye. He also ruined many assests build till now, making us almost poor but God saved us somehow, stabilizing us and he didn’t loose his job too. I pitied my mom but she had also started having affair that also with another married man, my dad had many affairs, he was rarely home. Both were narcissistic it made me question life and I couldn’t see how normal teens would see life. My family was way too abnormal one. My mother also didn’t favour me at all among siblings, so I pretty much raised myself. My upbringing was lot different from my siblings, I wouldn’t say their life was or is easy but they atleast got what they wanted and got support from each parent, they atleast had someone who cared. I developed many insecurities and different psychological mindset. I always thought I was the unluckiest child, until I met Maitreya I gained lot of insights and learned life and karma. I don’t blame my father nor my mother now. I let go of every judgment, anger, ego, shame, guilt everything after I encountered Maitreya and other one creator. I feel so much spiritually advanced or so numb that nothing can break me now.
Now I feel I’m the luckiest child among family and a generational curse breaker. I’m going to break every curse and patterns and going to emerge as most powerful one with help of powerful creators like Maitreya. Nobody can stop me now! I even broke the karmic contract with future husband and stopped a upcoming pattern. Now I won’t let anyone rule my life anymore. I make my life choices not that karmic wheel. I will create something big that several generations will remember . I surrender to divine mother and let her lead me.
I had a crush back then. It was so sudden i didn’t know why.
She is the first one and she is so beautiful, like objectively.
(She and her friends are all pretty, It’s like they’re Idols or something and we’re not even a performing arts school)
There was this one time when i was walking up the stairs, it just so happens that she’s gonna walk down at that moment. It’s just the two of us in that area.
The scene almost like it came out of a romance manga/comics.
She asked me about some random thing that i can’t really hear, So i just nodded. (If i could slap my face with my foot i would have done it)
I wish i could’ve been more friendly with her that time (I was so shy and socially inept) maybe cracked some joke so she can remember me for something else other than being that poor kid without friends in the corner.
Yeah. It’s rare for me to have a crush btw, when i have one guess where’s the blueprint’s coming from?
I feel so blocked and not taken seriously. I want to do the work, I want to meditate, do breathwork, learn and practice neoshamanica, do the ancestral healing course, but I don’t damn find my space for it. Sure I’m able to do my morning meditations for a for me long time consistently, but I need to get up earlier for that and I love sleeping. I’m so caught in my patterns, that it’s hard where to start. If it’s not my inner blocks manifesting as selfdoubt or confusion, then I get disturbed almost ever. From the post men and mostly by my family. I get laughed at what I do sometimes and it hurts. And I feel so blocked when someone is around, that I couldn’t relax really and if I do, I get disturbed.
It sucks so hard, that I get thoughts to leave my family, just for having 2-3 hours alone for my practice. The appartment is small, If have no real room for isolation and I’m angry. I want to, but something inside or outside isn’t allowing my growth. It hurts, I want to cry and I do …
I need to make money, for buying me room and time for my work, but with that I struggle the most. Instead I get deep into debt, buying more and more fields to compensate my inner sadness and helplessness. I make progress, but slow. I know it, but I also know that the hand brake is somewhere on it’s highest level. I have good days and bad days, as everyone. Today is such a day, that I almost think and ask the creator to take me back to source. Helplessness speaking aloud…
I cannot and will not express this to you, I don’t want to hurt, prefering hurting myself…
3 hours? That’s quite a serious practice, more suited for big work and deep meditations.
Could it be that your expectations are a bit too high or perfectionistic?
When I have an issue, I usually spend about 10–20 minutes observing what’s going on—sometimes up to 1 hour at most.
If it doesn’t work today, you try again tomorrow.
You take a small step—energetically—and then observe the results the next day. Then another step, and another, and another.
Spiritual work is not something fast.
These tools help us speed things up, but in the past it required much more patience and effort to learn and practice these things.
Also, if you don’t have the right environment at home, you can always go to a park or a nearby forest and lie down on the grass—you’ll both ground yourself and do your practice. Now the time gets better.
Is there some emotion or state that you feel might be holding you back, something that you may not truly want to change? Change can be scary. Our old self has to “die” and disappear so that a new one can emerge.
Puh, I thin ka bit deeper on that. What come up directly after reading is I have to work hard to be successful
When I think about it, then I have fear to develop myself out of my relationship and possibly there is a fear of success, will think and feel more about this.
My absolute dream goal would be, doing in the morning ca. 40 Minutes of meditation and a breathwork session. Then somewhen in the morning be able to work 1 hour with a course, be it ancestral healing, neoshamanica or eternal self communicator ( that long because I need some time to relax and become clear). In the middle of the day doing the five tibetan rites and the star exercise and in the evenings also my manifestation meditation, followed by a breathwork session.
Till now, I’m just doing my morning meditation and wish I don’t lose my habit due to the vacation in a few days, a “forced break”.
But I also have to say, this morning I was also able to work with the eternal self communicator
A problem I have is, that it’s really hard for me to go outside alone when my stepson is at home. I know this isn’t good, but till now I feel extremely responsible.
I gained lot of insights and learned life and karma. I don’t blame my father nor my mother now. I let go of every judgment, anger, ego, shame, guilt everything after I encountered Maitreya and other one creator. I feel so much spiritually advanced or so numb that nothing can break me now.
and stopped a upcoming pattern. Now I won’t let anyone rule my life anymore. I make my life choices not that karmic wheel. I will create something big that several generations will remember 
