I used to have terrible nightmarish visions when I was young, all red and black. My mother used to put an iron blade by my pillow to ward things off. Then when I was, less than 7 I faced SA, it really ungrounded me and ruptured something in me. I could feel things around and shut things down.
My mum got chronically and I kind of ended up in a childhood that was very dry and loveless.
I lost the will to live for many years, and would hurt myself a lot, like cutting myself, punching walls till I bled. I was born in a family that does daily worship but not overtly religious or spiritual. So I would pray sometimes but I could not trust that something out there was taking care of me.
I had a lot of flying visions and some times I would be in uncomfortable spaces that I later came to understand as humiliation rituals in the astral.
Every day I told myself, by a certain age I would complete all my responsibilities and be a recluse. I started reading about Dzogchen and Daoism when I was a teenager. I contemplated on these and spoke with people but I didn’t have enough people around me who were far progressed and could answer all my queries. I went the whole shitty route- alcohol, smoking, drugs, corn, psychedelics to destroy myself and make sense of the mess when everything seemed pointless.
The good thing is, I was very high performing and could maintain the social success and facade with some effort. It prevented people from prodding into me too much. I successfully navigated multiple higher education degrees, business opening and closure, world travel, moving cities and countries, corporate positions in career on one side and went through abortion, engagement, being cheated on, abandoned in my personal life on the other. And amongst all this, I just wanted out.
Nothing could get me out of the deep stench of darkness I felt always lingering in me. When I was in my late 20s, I had a terrible breakdown and it kept getting worse. I was loosing memory in chunks and real life seemed very fragmented. I started praying every day in the morning and making sure that I always lit a small candle every day. I woke up often feeling like I am drifting through black space alone for eternity. I had a vision that told me my path and showed me a few symbols, flashes of my past lives. I kept having visions for a few months that showed me the grid like structure of things, how packets of information moved and transferred, the recursive nature of reality and other sacred geometry. I also started seeing dead people, other beings again. Deities as well, deities who came through to me during this time are some of the most fiercest ones of the Sanatan tradition and two from Vajrayana tradition. I could easily connect to the Akashic and other dimensions at this time. I was not in a super stable space so it was frightening at times. I got into all energetic practices at once during this time including meditation. My daily routine includes prayer, rituals, reiki healing, extensive meditation and chanting. I tried so many modes of healing during this time, spoke with my ancestors and learnt sacred geometry, breathwork, Gnosticism during this time. These have been my most turbulent yet eye opening years. The thing is I could make through this with no other human by my side supporting me and that was only possible due to grace. In 2023, I came to Maitreya, my life started getting stable and the journey continues.
My past lives that opened up during this phase was that of a psychic, a monk, a fallen Tantrik, a Celtic magic practitioner. Some of my older lives are in Sumeria and sometimes I hear a language that seems to be Avestan. I am linked to the times of Knights Templar, not as a high ranking officer but someone humble who guided folks on their way. Most of my recent lives have been spirituality heavy. The other lives have been heavy with pilgrimage and justice work.
Writing this actually made me nostalgic and I went back to one of the first appreciation posts I made here.
I am so glad I came here and never left.